I have something to say...

welcome to my mental sandbox.

Welcome to “I have something to say.” a niche-less newsletter by me. Cate.  

If you know me, you know I started blogging in 2009, when Tumblr girls were a thing and everyone was reading Man Repeller. (Don’t bother looking for my blog. It’s an internet relic long gone.) My blog was a chaotic internet diary capturing my thoughts on everything from the renaissance of preppy style to reproductive rights.  

And then came the fear of perception. This fear slowly corroded my drive to write until my posts consisted primarily of images with brief captions. And then, one day, I stopped posting altogether.  

I was acutely aware of how others might perceive me, even back then.

As with most things, my fear of perception started in early childhood. In second grade, I began struggling in school. Quickly I became fearful that my teachers and family thought I was stupid. In seventh grade, I was escorted out of a classroom after dissolving in tears during a presentation I was giving about great white sharks. I convinced myself the class thought the topic was dumb and I was not knowledgeable enough. Last month, I bullied myself into going to a ceramics studio alone to paint a mug simply because the idea made me anxious about what other people might think of me. I don’t like going to workout classes without friends because I know I’ll mess up the exercise sequences, and won’t that make me look like I don’t belong?  

My brain is an annoying and self-involved place. It likes to tell me stories about how other people think and feel about me. But the truth is, no one is thinking about me as much as I am thinking about me. And if they are, so what?  

You might be wondering why someone with so much perception-based fear is deciding to re-engage with the internet. Especially given its leanings towards hot takes and clickbait. I have been asking myself the same question, and the answer I have landed on is simple. I have something to say.  

I’ve always had something to say. In fact, in high school, my peers called me “opinionated.” I took and still take this as a compliment. I have a perspective. (Though I’ve learned in recent years being told you’re “opinionated” is not necessarily everyone’s idea of flattery.) Long-form writing has always been my preferred form of self-expression. I studied creative writing in undergrad and graduate school. Thus making this newsletter the place for my reentry into publicly sharing my ideas and work.

Ultimately, if I don’t get comfortable creating and putting stuff out there, I may never grow. And all because I was afraid.  

So this is me getting out of my own way. Welcome to my mental sandbox. Won’t you join me here?